It was me all along. What Anthony Bourdain Taught Me About My Body.

“But I frequently look back at my life, searching for that fork in the road, trying to figure out where, exactly, I went bad and became a thrill-seeking, pleasure-hungry sensualist, always looking to shock, amuse, terrify and manipulate, seeking to fill that empty spot in my soul with something new. I like to think it was Monsieur Saint-Jour’s fault. But of course, it was me all along.” Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

I recently finished listening to Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain which was read aloud by the author himself. This wildly successful memoir was written in 2000 and recounts "twenty-five years of sex, drugs, bad behavior and haute cuisine" in, as he so cleverly pens, “the culinary underbelly.”

From the moment I started listening, I was mesmerized by the sound of his deep voice recalling past adventures. It amazed me that a person could remember so many intricate details of otherwise ordinary working days. I laughed out loud when he told about the time he interviewed for a chef’s position at a prominent New York steakhouse, mistaking the Scottish owner’s query, “What do you know about meat?” for, “What do you know about ME?” His blunt reply of, “Next to nothing!” left me hooting in amusement. I scribbled down notes when he told me what gadgets I needed in my amateur kitchen, and I reminded my husband that Anthony said to never order the fish special at a restaurant on Mondays unless he enjoyed playing Russian Roulette. While listening to his beautiful voice, I was sad thinking of how his life ended far too early. It’s haunting listening to someone read their memoirs knowing that they will take their life in the future.

But in all eight hours of my listening pleasure, his admittance of “seeking to fill that empty spot in (his) soul with something new,” sunk deep into mine. I can totally relate in my own life’s journey. Been there. Done that. In fact I probably have worn the t-shirt so many times that it is threadbare.

I too, wonder where that fork in the road of life’s journey occurred for me? Where did the line stop from having a love of adventure to one that needs to fill a void with something new? It seems as though I have spent a lot of my time living in the blur between the two and convincing myself I’m on a different journey.

And while in many areas of my life it’s been easy to recognize how I have chased newness and thrills, in other parts it’s much harder to recognize, such as my physical appearance. Because as a middle aged woman it certainly looks more admirable to say that I am “bettering myself” rather than I am “looking to fill a void with something new.” Could Anthony’s wise insight explain certain aspects of my physical dissatisfaction? For me, I believe it does.

Perhaps this mindset has been the primary driver in my own body dissatisfaction? Many of us do it in other areas of our lives, so why would our physical appearance be any different? I am not discounting the damaging societal pressures from social media or the unrealistic/ridiculous standards placed on a woman’s appearance that makes us think that we need to change. I sadly admit that has played a large role in my life. Nor am I dismissing those wanting to change their appearance to become more healthy so that they may live better.

But I wonder, even if I was much admired as the picture of physical perfection, would I still struggle and yearn for something new? I think I would. Because over one’s life span your physical appearance is the most familiar thing to you, and the longer you are alive the more familiar you become to yourself. For the thrill seekers like me, the mundane often becomes boring.

So perhaps the next time someone asks me why I am trying something new for my health, I might be brave and honestly reply, “I am just a thrill-seeking junkie trying to fill a void with something new.” It was me all along.